


Dear Jack

by Alexandria (heartfullofelves)



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Epistolary, Gen, New Year's Resolutions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-09
Updated: 2015-01-09
Packaged: 2018-03-06 18:46:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3144683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartfullofelves/pseuds/Alexandria
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tosh’s New Year’s resolution is not what anyone would expect, least of all herself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dear Jack

**Author's Note:**

> Written on 2/1/15. I don't think I quite captured Tosh's voice in the first half, but never mind. Enjoy the angst when you realise how soon Tosh died after writing this letter.

1st January 2009

Dear Jack,

My New Year’s resolution is a strange one, and chances are you’ll never see this letter, but I can’t rest without at least writing it down, even at three in the morning. Even if I never act on it, putting it down on paper will help me get things straight inside my head. I’ve been thinking about this for some time now, but never talked about it – you know how I tend to keep my feelings to myself. This is hard to admit, and just a few months ago I never would have thought I could do something so dramatic, but here goes.

I want to leave Torchwood.

When my contract is up, I want to leave this behind for a normal life.

I know there’s no chance of leaving without being Retconned, and of course I don’t want to forget Torchwood, forget you or what we do, but it’s all got too much for me. At first, I loved this job – seeing what else is out there, seeing the beauty that is life, knowing that we are not alone in the universe. But now, after a few long years, I’ve become disillusioned. I know now that Torchwood brings nothing but loss and loneliness; we all die young, and we all die alone. There is no use in hoping for anything else. Suzie’s death(s), and Owen’s, made that real for me.

And that’s not what I want. Seeing Gwen get married recently made me realise what I do want. After years of excitement and danger, I want a job where my life isn’t at risk every day. I want a life outside of work, and I want to settle down someday. Most people want a more exciting life; I crave the mundane things like sleep-ins and DVD marathons and cooked breakfast on Saturday mornings that are part of their day-to-day lives. I want to feel safe again. And I can’t have that if I stay a part of Torchwood.

I miss the way things were, back when I loved everything about Torchwood, but everything changes in the end. God knows I’ve changed – I’m no longer the scared and yet somehow innocent girl I was when I met you – and I have to make my own changes in my life to accommodate this. Leaving all this when my contract to you is fulfilled will mean that I’m in charge of my life and have the freedom to do what I like. It’s not that I feel trapped at the moment, but Torchwood is a part of who I am and it dictates my life. I can’t handle that anymore.

Please don’t take this personally, Jack. You are my hero, and you’ve saved me more times than I can count, in so many different ways. That I want to leave is not because of anything you have or haven’t done, I want you to know that. I know you, and you’ll think that this is somehow your fault, that you could have prevented me from becoming jaded. But I don’t blame you for anything. Not one single thing.

And before you start wishing you had never made me that offer and dragged me into all this, know also that I have no regrets. Meeting you and accepting your offer was the best thing I ever did. You saved me, and you showed me the stars when I had no hope left.

So thank you, Jack. I can only hope that I made you proud.

Your Toshiko


End file.
